What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:50
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When Chinese people see my pets, will they think of it as their food?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What do dreams about dead people mean?
It was going to be , some day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ive learnt so much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I said to her
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it wasn’t much.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
All the time i was locked up.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I waited trembling.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!